Bigger Girl

  Yes I'm a "bigger girl" but every pound on my body is part of my story. It tells of my fight, my struggle, my life!
  When I was 18 I was diagnosed with hashimoto's thyroiditis and that's where my journey and struggled began! I had always been the girl who was "too skinny" and so gaining so much weight was hard. I didn't have much self-esteem before that, but when I started gaining weight, I lost every ounce I had left. Not only was I dealing with that, I was suffering from a disease called Trichotillomania so I was wearing wigs as well.
  Every morning was the hardest struggle. I couldn't look myself in the mirror without bursting into tears and wishing I could die. There were times where I truly believed being dead was much better than the hell I was living in!
  Everyday watching stretch marks form, or grow, watching pants and shirts no longer fit, watching the numbers on the scale rise, was heartbreaking! I felt like I wasn't even living anymore, just surviving, but barely.
  At about 20 my body finally started getting use to everything and my weight and stuff plateaued and I felt like I had some control again! I had my real hair back and that helped my self-esteem somewhat! But the weight was still there and that was hard.
  At 21, almost 22, I started planning my wedding and the thought of having to wear a plus size wedding dress was so hard! I especially had a hard time when I was told the dress I wanted wasn't in my size and we had no time to order a new one. I was going to have to lose weight. Somehow I was able to lose the weight I needed to to fit in my dress! But not long after the wedding the weight came back. I was devastated.
  Earlier this year, at 22, I finally came to terms with the fact that I will probably always be a bigger girl and I'd never be that super skinny girl again. And I was ok with it, I'd own the body God gave me.
  Then finally this July I received a phone call I never thought I'd receive. I was told my thyroid had gone back to normal! I was shocked! Suddenly the weight was just falling off! And I felt amazing in every way possible! :) But unfortunately just last week I received another phone call, one I never wanted. I was told my thyroid was under active again. But at least this time I'm prepared and ready!
  My whole reason for writing this is because I keep hearing people calling others FAT! It disgusts me! You never know someones story! You don't know why they are bigger, or what it does to them when you say those harsh things! You never know if what you say is going to be the final straw and push them over the edge! People seriously need to remember to treat others the way they want to be treated! So many people have called me fat, and honestly it rarely affects me anymore, especially when I get told to "Eat a salad and you'll stop being fat!" I am not heavy because of food! But it does bother others! So don't ever assume with anyone! Also, there's never an excuse to be mean! No matter how much you dislike the person!
  I go out of my way to compliment people all the time and it's one of the best feelings in the world! I challenge everyone reading this to go out of their way to compliment at least one person everyday for a week and see how they feel!
  Well I hope you all don't think I'm just rambling. It's been a long week so I'm very tired and my brain is all scrambled. Haha.

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye...

She had a long, hard, courageous three year fight. She smiled through it all. She taught me to keep fighting and pushing on no matter how hard it gets. She was a true inspiration. She taught me more than she could ever know.

I am so lucky to have the memories I have with her. I wish I had more, but the ones I have I will treasure and cling to forever. I'm just lucky to know that I will one day see her again.

She was one of the strongest people, not just women, I've ever met! She touched more lives than she knew. She was a great example of being selfless and a daughter of God.

I will NEVER forget her! I will NEVER forget the things she taught me! I will NEVER take my Mother for granted again!

I love and miss you Kim Cloward Iverson!

  And thank you to Paul, Julie, Matt, Fern, and Mike for being an amazing family! I love you all!

Dreams

Dreams are what keep you going each and everyday. When someone tells you you can't, your dreams are there to catch you. When ever you feel discouraged, your dreams are in the back of your mind pushing you to keep going and try harder. Dreams are there through-out your whole entire life, no matter how old you get, you can ALWAYS have a dream! Your dreams are yours, and yours alone. No one can have the same exact one, some little detail will always be different. So whenever you feel like you have nothing, remember, you've always got your dreams...

Happy Birthday to him...

   Today has been a rough day... As much as I don't want to miss him, I do... I still love him and I know a part of me always will. It's especially hard that I saw his mom driving today and knowing me and his family don't get along... Hard knowing his sister is hurting and I can't say anything to her because she hates me for the fights between myself and her mom... Hard wondering where we would be if he hadn't made the choices he made... Hard not being able to tell him Happy Birthday... Hard not being able to get closure... Hard to move on... Hard to let go... Hard to not cry... Hard to say goodbye... So many truly hard things I never thought I'd have to go through in my life.

   They moved his court again. It was supposed to be today and tomorrow, but now it's in December. Not sure if I'll be able to make it then since it's when my niece is due.

   People ask me all the time why I want to go to his court dates... I want to hear for myself what, if anything he says, and to hear first hand what is happening. I don't wanna hear about it on the news or in the newspaper. I don't wanna be blindsided by anything else I have to learn from the media...

  With that being said, I'm going to bed. It's been an emotionally, and physically draining day. Thanks for reading.

Sincerely,
Amber.

Moving on!

So I rarely write on here and I feel bad for all of you who actually care to read it. I apologise.

Life is pretty good!

Since I wrote last July 11th came. It would have been our one year anniversary. I handled it a lot better than I thought I would. My parents took me and my baby brother Matie to the aquarium! My ex husband refused to ever take me even though I begged him so they were happy to take me! We also went to Olive Garden! All in all it was a great day. He didn't even try to call.

I also celebrated my 23rd birthday. I was sick so I spent it at home on the couch. Hahaha. Once again, he didn't try to call. Oh well. I'm better off without him.

I start back at the Layton DI again this coming Monday! I quit right after he was arrested and I'm so excited to go back! They'll help me go to Culinary school which I'm dying to start! I've also started putting money into four funds. An annulment fund, a house fund, an adoption fund, and a pilot school fund. Yes I said pilot school! I've wanted to fly since I was little and now I have no one and nothing holding me back!

I plan to start saving for a house and adopting a baby. I want to adopt because at this point in my life I don't plan on getting married again.

Today I got an amazing surprise! One of my best friends from my childhood stopped by to say hi! I haven't talked to him in years and I thought he hated me so I was actually almost in tears! It means so much to me to have people coming back into my life who use to be such a huge part of it!

Well I think that's enough for today! I promise to try to write more often!

Oh PS his first pre-trial date has been set! I do plan on going to hear everything for myself! I don't believe anything he's told me so I'd like to see and hear all evidence for myself!

Well goodbye all! Thank you for stopping by!

Sincerely,
Amber!

You're all in my life for a reason...

   Sorry it's been awhile, life is crazy. Lol.

   Recently I've realized that no matter how crazy my life is, it could always be worse! And yet I know it'd be MUCH worse if I didn't have the people in my life that I do.

   My little brother Mathew has been my biggest saving grace. He was the only reason I got up the first few days after my husband was arrested. To this day I have no doubt God brought him into our lives for a reason. I truly pray he will become more than just my foster brother. :)

   Another person who has helped me so much is my "little sister" Kimi, aka Kimississippi! We are together almost every day! Although she isn't my biological sister, I believe she is my soul sister! :) We were both kind of lost souls who found each other and have an unbreakable connection. I truly don't know what I'd do without her!

   Of course my parents and my brother and his wife have helped more than words could ever say too! I wouldn't be able to do anything without them!

   There's far too many people to thank and mention who help me each and every day! Everyone has been AMAZING!

   My marriage will shortly come to an end and everyone has been so supportive! I doubt I'd have the courage to start all over without all my friends and family! Thank you all so much!

My life got flipped, turned upside down.

It's crazy how your whole life can change forever in a matter of hours.

On February 26, 2013 I saw him as a free man for the last time... We fought that morning about him needing to get proof he hadn't robbed the one in Farmington, he seemed like he had all the time in the world and that upset me because I ws so stressed wanting him to be proved innocent. We exchanged I love yous and goodbye, but they were rittled with anger... That's the very last time I ever saw the man I thought I'd spend the rest of forever with as a free man. I'll never get over the fact that we fought and how our final goodbye wasn't how I would have like. Although I had no idea any of this would ever happen, I wish I had said a better goodbye like I always tried to since I know how fast people can be taken away from you.

We talked a few times through out the day. He said he'd gotten his recipt saying he'd been at his bank at 5:32 proving he couldn't have robbed the one in Farmington. I was so relieved. He said he was going to school to talk to his teachers and stuff. I believed him. I ran to costco for milk and Matie an outfit. I talked to him on the way home and he said he was about to leave school so we'd get home about the same time. He wasn't there when I got home, but he's always late so I didn't think anything of it.

I went to papa murphy's and got my family some dinner, I tried calling him to see what he wanted, but as usual he didn't answer. Me, my parents, and Matie were eating and watching TV when I got the call that changed my life forever. He said he had been arrested and that he'd tell me more when he got into the jail. Little did I know he was actually at the hospital cause he wrecked pretty back fleeing. My dad and I were watching the news waiting for him to call back and watching a story on my brother's friend when a story of a bank robbery came on. I didn't pay much attention to it because I was freaking out about him. I remember kind of listening to the details and thinking, at least that's not him. Boy was I wrong.

He finally called at like 1 am. At first he denied everything as he always does, but after me yelling and crying he came clean about pretty much everything. 2 banks. My husband, the man I wanted to spend forever with, the man I wanted to have children with, had robbed 2 banks. He had also carjacked a family from their car and then wrecked it while fleeing. I couldn't think straight. I sat there in shock not knowing what to do or say. I cried for a long time. He cried too. He told me he had started using again and was desperate.

My parents went up and got my mom's car which he had driven up there. Inside they found his backpack with his passport and birth certificate and stuff. He had planned to leave the country... Without me...

To this day I still don't have complete closure and I know I never will because I can never trust anything he tells me. All I know is that while I will always love him, I am no longer in love with him. I hurt the most for him because he threw his life away because of drugs... And I hurt most for his daughter who I loved as my own, who I watched grow for 4 years, who I'll never see again...

The victims advocate told me he's facing 20-life for the last robbery since he had a gun. It went to the FBI and now he won't serve his time here in Utah.

I'll never be the same again. I'm now stronger, wiser, more mature, and more suspicious of people, but especially men. I don't know if I'll ever get married again, everyone tells me I will and stuff, but in all honesty, I don't think I want to. It was only 8 months, but that marriage took everything out of me and I can't do that again. But it's not up to me. It's up to God. So we will see what happens...

Sorry this post was so long, but it's the first time I've ever truly wrote things out and it feels great! My other postings will not be this long! Lol.

Well have a great day everyone!

Love,
 Amber.