Tuesday, September 9, 2014
You're Just A Memory Now...
Sometimes I miss us being best friends. Sometimes I miss you always being here. Sometimes I want to write you and try to make things like they use to be. But then I remember. Remember how you turned on me. How you lied to my face. How you lied about me. How you dragged my name through the mud. How even when I tried to help you, you turned it around on me and made me the bad guy! How no matter how much I did for you, it was never enough! How even when I tried to salvage our friendship once before you turned on me again! And last but not least, I remember how when my life was falling apart and needed you most, you wouldn't be there for me! So instead I'll just miss you from time to time and let the moment pass quickly and then go one with my life surround by people who actually love and care about me. All you'll ever be, is a memory, and that's all you deserve to be.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
How One Song Changed Everything...
As most people who know me know, on February 26, 2013 my husband of 7 1/2 months was arrested for robbing multiple banks. I thought that my life was over. But somehow I made it through.
The past year and a half has been a major struggle with depression and self hatred. In December I had a bit of a break down.
It was right before Christmas and as much as I didn't want to, I was missing my ex-husband. I felt like no matter how hard I worked at my job I wasn't going anywhere. I also felt like I wasn't going anywhere in life. My family was also starting the adoption process for my foster brother and I knew there was a chance his birth mom would still end up getting him back. (She did because of our stupid supreme court, but that's a story for another time.)
So in December my mind started going to a very dark place. Thinking of ending it all. Thinking my family and friends would be better off if I wasn't around to drag them down. Also every negative thing my ex-husband ever said to me kept ringing in my head. I was very close to giving up.
Then one day I was on a social media site and saw a link, this link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkc6QgjbYyI. The song was a Wrecking Ball cover, the band, Our Last Night. I instantly fell in love with them and started listening to all their songs on YouTube. Then I came upon a song that had such a profound effect on me, that I never knew music could affect a person that much. (And yes I've had music affect me pretty heavily before, but never like this.)
The song was Sunrise. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XlScrMv7Pd8. And while it is a song about anti-bullying, it's very much a suicide prevention song. While listening to this song I broke down! I let everything pour out of me inside my tears. And after the song was over, I felt at peace! I finally realized I had to keep moving on and that I needed to make the most out of my life by living it to the fullest!
Now I share this song every chance I get. I show it to anyone and everyone who will listen to it! And I plan on going to schools and start talking about bullying and suicide prevention. And I will use this song in my talk.
Today, even though I'm going through the hardest time in my life, even harder than when my husband was arrested, I listen to this song to keep going. I know I can always "Make It To The Sunrise" no matter how hard it gets.
I ask all of you reading this, to please check out this song and share it so others who are needing it can hear it. And that could possibly save a life!
And if by some miracle Trevor, Matt, Woody, or Tim are reading this. Thank you. You will never understand the level of gratitude I feel. You guys are amazing! I love you all! Haha.
Thanks for reading everyone. I love you. Please remember, "You can make it to the sunrise!"
Love,
Amber
The past year and a half has been a major struggle with depression and self hatred. In December I had a bit of a break down.
It was right before Christmas and as much as I didn't want to, I was missing my ex-husband. I felt like no matter how hard I worked at my job I wasn't going anywhere. I also felt like I wasn't going anywhere in life. My family was also starting the adoption process for my foster brother and I knew there was a chance his birth mom would still end up getting him back. (She did because of our stupid supreme court, but that's a story for another time.)
So in December my mind started going to a very dark place. Thinking of ending it all. Thinking my family and friends would be better off if I wasn't around to drag them down. Also every negative thing my ex-husband ever said to me kept ringing in my head. I was very close to giving up.
Then one day I was on a social media site and saw a link, this link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkc6QgjbYyI. The song was a Wrecking Ball cover, the band, Our Last Night. I instantly fell in love with them and started listening to all their songs on YouTube. Then I came upon a song that had such a profound effect on me, that I never knew music could affect a person that much. (And yes I've had music affect me pretty heavily before, but never like this.)
The song was Sunrise. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XlScrMv7Pd8. And while it is a song about anti-bullying, it's very much a suicide prevention song. While listening to this song I broke down! I let everything pour out of me inside my tears. And after the song was over, I felt at peace! I finally realized I had to keep moving on and that I needed to make the most out of my life by living it to the fullest!
Now I share this song every chance I get. I show it to anyone and everyone who will listen to it! And I plan on going to schools and start talking about bullying and suicide prevention. And I will use this song in my talk.
Today, even though I'm going through the hardest time in my life, even harder than when my husband was arrested, I listen to this song to keep going. I know I can always "Make It To The Sunrise" no matter how hard it gets.
I ask all of you reading this, to please check out this song and share it so others who are needing it can hear it. And that could possibly save a life!
And if by some miracle Trevor, Matt, Woody, or Tim are reading this. Thank you. You will never understand the level of gratitude I feel. You guys are amazing! I love you all! Haha.
Thanks for reading everyone. I love you. Please remember, "You can make it to the sunrise!"
Love,
Amber
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Bigger Girl
Yes I'm a "bigger girl" but every pound on my body is part of my story. It tells of my fight, my struggle, my life!
When I was 18 I was diagnosed with hashimoto's thyroiditis and that's where my journey and struggled began! I had always been the girl who was "too skinny" and so gaining so much weight was hard. I didn't have much self-esteem before that, but when I started gaining weight, I lost every ounce I had left. Not only was I dealing with that, I was suffering from a disease called Trichotillomania so I was wearing wigs as well.
Every morning was the hardest struggle. I couldn't look myself in the mirror without bursting into tears and wishing I could die. There were times where I truly believed being dead was much better than the hell I was living in!
Everyday watching stretch marks form, or grow, watching pants and shirts no longer fit, watching the numbers on the scale rise, was heartbreaking! I felt like I wasn't even living anymore, just surviving, but barely.
At about 20 my body finally started getting use to everything and my weight and stuff plateaued and I felt like I had some control again! I had my real hair back and that helped my self-esteem somewhat! But the weight was still there and that was hard.
At 21, almost 22, I started planning my wedding and the thought of having to wear a plus size wedding dress was so hard! I especially had a hard time when I was told the dress I wanted wasn't in my size and we had no time to order a new one. I was going to have to lose weight. Somehow I was able to lose the weight I needed to to fit in my dress! But not long after the wedding the weight came back. I was devastated.
Earlier this year, at 22, I finally came to terms with the fact that I will probably always be a bigger girl and I'd never be that super skinny girl again. And I was ok with it, I'd own the body God gave me.
Then finally this July I received a phone call I never thought I'd receive. I was told my thyroid had gone back to normal! I was shocked! Suddenly the weight was just falling off! And I felt amazing in every way possible! :) But unfortunately just last week I received another phone call, one I never wanted. I was told my thyroid was under active again. But at least this time I'm prepared and ready!
My whole reason for writing this is because I keep hearing people calling others FAT! It disgusts me! You never know someones story! You don't know why they are bigger, or what it does to them when you say those harsh things! You never know if what you say is going to be the final straw and push them over the edge! People seriously need to remember to treat others the way they want to be treated! So many people have called me fat, and honestly it rarely affects me anymore, especially when I get told to "Eat a salad and you'll stop being fat!" I am not heavy because of food! But it does bother others! So don't ever assume with anyone! Also, there's never an excuse to be mean! No matter how much you dislike the person!
I go out of my way to compliment people all the time and it's one of the best feelings in the world! I challenge everyone reading this to go out of their way to compliment at least one person everyday for a week and see how they feel!
Well I hope you all don't think I'm just rambling. It's been a long week so I'm very tired and my brain is all scrambled. Haha.
When I was 18 I was diagnosed with hashimoto's thyroiditis and that's where my journey and struggled began! I had always been the girl who was "too skinny" and so gaining so much weight was hard. I didn't have much self-esteem before that, but when I started gaining weight, I lost every ounce I had left. Not only was I dealing with that, I was suffering from a disease called Trichotillomania so I was wearing wigs as well.
Every morning was the hardest struggle. I couldn't look myself in the mirror without bursting into tears and wishing I could die. There were times where I truly believed being dead was much better than the hell I was living in!
Everyday watching stretch marks form, or grow, watching pants and shirts no longer fit, watching the numbers on the scale rise, was heartbreaking! I felt like I wasn't even living anymore, just surviving, but barely.
At about 20 my body finally started getting use to everything and my weight and stuff plateaued and I felt like I had some control again! I had my real hair back and that helped my self-esteem somewhat! But the weight was still there and that was hard.
At 21, almost 22, I started planning my wedding and the thought of having to wear a plus size wedding dress was so hard! I especially had a hard time when I was told the dress I wanted wasn't in my size and we had no time to order a new one. I was going to have to lose weight. Somehow I was able to lose the weight I needed to to fit in my dress! But not long after the wedding the weight came back. I was devastated.
Earlier this year, at 22, I finally came to terms with the fact that I will probably always be a bigger girl and I'd never be that super skinny girl again. And I was ok with it, I'd own the body God gave me.
Then finally this July I received a phone call I never thought I'd receive. I was told my thyroid had gone back to normal! I was shocked! Suddenly the weight was just falling off! And I felt amazing in every way possible! :) But unfortunately just last week I received another phone call, one I never wanted. I was told my thyroid was under active again. But at least this time I'm prepared and ready!
My whole reason for writing this is because I keep hearing people calling others FAT! It disgusts me! You never know someones story! You don't know why they are bigger, or what it does to them when you say those harsh things! You never know if what you say is going to be the final straw and push them over the edge! People seriously need to remember to treat others the way they want to be treated! So many people have called me fat, and honestly it rarely affects me anymore, especially when I get told to "Eat a salad and you'll stop being fat!" I am not heavy because of food! But it does bother others! So don't ever assume with anyone! Also, there's never an excuse to be mean! No matter how much you dislike the person!
I go out of my way to compliment people all the time and it's one of the best feelings in the world! I challenge everyone reading this to go out of their way to compliment at least one person everyday for a week and see how they feel!
Well I hope you all don't think I'm just rambling. It's been a long week so I'm very tired and my brain is all scrambled. Haha.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
It's So Hard To Say Goodbye...
She had a long, hard, courageous three year fight. She smiled through it all. She taught me to keep fighting and pushing on no matter how hard it gets. She was a true inspiration. She taught me more than she could ever know.
I am so lucky to have the memories I have with her. I wish I had more, but the ones I have I will treasure and cling to forever. I'm just lucky to know that I will one day see her again.
She was one of the strongest people, not just women, I've ever met! She touched more lives than she knew. She was a great example of being selfless and a daughter of God.
I will NEVER forget her! I will NEVER forget the things she taught me! I will NEVER take my Mother for granted again!
I love and miss you Kim Cloward Iverson!
And thank you to Paul, Julie, Matt, Fern, and Mike for being an amazing family! I love you all!
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Dreams
Dreams are what keep you going each and everyday. When someone tells you you can't, your dreams are there to catch you. When ever you feel discouraged, your dreams are in the back of your mind pushing you to keep going and try harder. Dreams are there through-out your whole entire life, no matter how old you get, you can ALWAYS have a dream! Your dreams are yours, and yours alone. No one can have the same exact one, some little detail will always be different. So whenever you feel like you have nothing, remember, you've always got your dreams...
Monday, September 9, 2013
Happy Birthday to him...
Today has been a rough day... As much as I don't want to miss him, I do... I still love him and I know a part of me always will. It's especially hard that I saw his mom driving today and knowing me and his family don't get along... Hard knowing his sister is hurting and I can't say anything to her because she hates me for the fights between myself and her mom... Hard wondering where we would be if he hadn't made the choices he made... Hard not being able to tell him Happy Birthday... Hard not being able to get closure... Hard to move on... Hard to let go... Hard to not cry... Hard to say goodbye... So many truly hard things I never thought I'd have to go through in my life.
They moved his court again. It was supposed to be today and tomorrow, but now it's in December. Not sure if I'll be able to make it then since it's when my niece is due.
People ask me all the time why I want to go to his court dates... I want to hear for myself what, if anything he says, and to hear first hand what is happening. I don't wanna hear about it on the news or in the newspaper. I don't wanna be blindsided by anything else I have to learn from the media...
With that being said, I'm going to bed. It's been an emotionally, and physically draining day. Thanks for reading.
Sincerely,
Amber.
They moved his court again. It was supposed to be today and tomorrow, but now it's in December. Not sure if I'll be able to make it then since it's when my niece is due.
People ask me all the time why I want to go to his court dates... I want to hear for myself what, if anything he says, and to hear first hand what is happening. I don't wanna hear about it on the news or in the newspaper. I don't wanna be blindsided by anything else I have to learn from the media...
With that being said, I'm going to bed. It's been an emotionally, and physically draining day. Thanks for reading.
Sincerely,
Amber.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Moving on!
So I rarely write on here and I feel bad for all of you who actually care to read it. I apologise.
Life is pretty good!
Since I wrote last July 11th came. It would have been our one year anniversary. I handled it a lot better than I thought I would. My parents took me and my baby brother Matie to the aquarium! My ex husband refused to ever take me even though I begged him so they were happy to take me! We also went to Olive Garden! All in all it was a great day. He didn't even try to call.
I also celebrated my 23rd birthday. I was sick so I spent it at home on the couch. Hahaha. Once again, he didn't try to call. Oh well. I'm better off without him.
I start back at the Layton DI again this coming Monday! I quit right after he was arrested and I'm so excited to go back! They'll help me go to Culinary school which I'm dying to start! I've also started putting money into four funds. An annulment fund, a house fund, an adoption fund, and a pilot school fund. Yes I said pilot school! I've wanted to fly since I was little and now I have no one and nothing holding me back!
I plan to start saving for a house and adopting a baby. I want to adopt because at this point in my life I don't plan on getting married again.
Today I got an amazing surprise! One of my best friends from my childhood stopped by to say hi! I haven't talked to him in years and I thought he hated me so I was actually almost in tears! It means so much to me to have people coming back into my life who use to be such a huge part of it!
Well I think that's enough for today! I promise to try to write more often!
Oh PS his first pre-trial date has been set! I do plan on going to hear everything for myself! I don't believe anything he's told me so I'd like to see and hear all evidence for myself!
Well goodbye all! Thank you for stopping by!
Sincerely,
Amber!
Life is pretty good!
Since I wrote last July 11th came. It would have been our one year anniversary. I handled it a lot better than I thought I would. My parents took me and my baby brother Matie to the aquarium! My ex husband refused to ever take me even though I begged him so they were happy to take me! We also went to Olive Garden! All in all it was a great day. He didn't even try to call.
I also celebrated my 23rd birthday. I was sick so I spent it at home on the couch. Hahaha. Once again, he didn't try to call. Oh well. I'm better off without him.
I start back at the Layton DI again this coming Monday! I quit right after he was arrested and I'm so excited to go back! They'll help me go to Culinary school which I'm dying to start! I've also started putting money into four funds. An annulment fund, a house fund, an adoption fund, and a pilot school fund. Yes I said pilot school! I've wanted to fly since I was little and now I have no one and nothing holding me back!
I plan to start saving for a house and adopting a baby. I want to adopt because at this point in my life I don't plan on getting married again.
Today I got an amazing surprise! One of my best friends from my childhood stopped by to say hi! I haven't talked to him in years and I thought he hated me so I was actually almost in tears! It means so much to me to have people coming back into my life who use to be such a huge part of it!
Well I think that's enough for today! I promise to try to write more often!
Oh PS his first pre-trial date has been set! I do plan on going to hear everything for myself! I don't believe anything he's told me so I'd like to see and hear all evidence for myself!
Well goodbye all! Thank you for stopping by!
Sincerely,
Amber!
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